When we were in Australia, I really felt an inner joy for the first time in my life . A 'roar' I did not know and had not yet experienced. 'Meaning' in life. There was nothing needed to get to this state; it was just there.
In NZ I had become burned-out and I have always felt 'oppressed' there in some way, just I had in the Netherlands. No idea why.
In Australia a couple of friends who "were thrown into my lap' (just like that!) have helped me to develop myself further. I think everything in life can be thrown in your lap, if you do things that are 'right' for you. Especially if you are not looking for them.
I read the books by Neale Donald Walsh; "Conversations with God", in that time.
They are the last books I read -I think- because from that moment on it became clear to me that I could ask any question to me (God) and could get an answer. It was clear to me that this man (Neale Donald) had talks with a part of himself (which he called God). This is a part of yourself that is not in your consciousness during a normal 'everyday' life. The clarity of the answers -when I asked this part of myself in meditation questions- were of a certain quality that I can't produce with my 'ordinary, everyday' consciousness . I would never have come to those answers, while they were so logical when they 'popped' in. An undeniable, clear logic.
In my opinion, God is myself at my highest level (and this counts for everyone, not just for me). Between me and this highest level -that I can still understand- (I'm sure there are even higher levels) are all these layers of consciousness, that sometimes came between me and the purity of the answers. For example; one layer would cry 'yes' and the other layer would shout 'no' as an answer to a question. It's been quite a search to find out if the answer would come from the "highest" or purest layer. Sometimes it was evident by the kind of answer, but sometimes I had to dig a little further.
I discovered that I would not get a clear or 'true' answer if I had attachments concerning the question. So it became a quest to release more and more and be 'ok' with everything.
'Freedom is just another word for northing left to loose', and this is true. I felt very strongly: the 'free-er' I was, the better/closer my association with the purest piece of 'myself' was.
Eric was not happy in Australia. And eventhough I had absolutely no purpose in my life there (simply to just 'be'), I nevertheless had a great time.
At one point I suggested to him to do a Vipassana (10-day silent meditation) to feel what the best next step for him was. And I would follow whatever insights came out -of this 10 day retreat- for him.
After 10 days it was clear to him he should return to the Netherlands.
Unfortunately, I instantly 'knew' this to be true for myself as well. The Netherlands was not an easy country to be myself in (being the country I was born and bred in and where my 'programming' was formed...the programming I was trying so hard to let go of). And in meditation, I understood that this was precisely why I had to return there: to go and really be myself. To be completely faithful to myself and to make no compromise whatsoever at the expense of myself.
People who know me, know that I did al this, here. First in a 'fighting' way, then, later, with less struggle. First more with an outward and then (now) more with an inward motion. And more and more with / in myself.
The Netherlands meant hard work for me, while Australia was an eternal, sunny, kind and a gentle holiday.
Ok, back to Australia in this story;
Because even though I am very obedient to 'Me', I did not want to go to the Netherlands and to take the challenge. So I asked myself in meditation; is the Netherlands the final destination? (please say no!) It took a long time before I came out of the despair and could hear the answer. The answer was 'no' (great relief). I then asked; 'Wherever will we go, after Netherlands' and the answer was; "How about Ecuador?
Yes, that was a good one. What about Ecuador? Actually not much. And frankly I didn't even know where it was situated. So I searched on a worldmap, right then and there on the kitchen floor in Emerald Beach, Australia, while my husband was still on his way back from the Vipassana. Going from losing all hope to vaguelly seeing hope shimmering on the horizon.
Since that time we have followed the answers that came out of meditation, in everything. The way we picked our Dutch car over the internet from Australia (500 euro's, which still drives perfectly and fits all 6 of us) And our temporary home in Zutphen. We chose the schools this way, the way I work and every important decision since.
When we left Australia in 2012, the year 2018 came up as an answer, when I asked in meditation for our departure time to Ecuador. What we were going to do there was not yet interesting to me; it still seemed so far away.
But throughout the years here in the Netherlands, Ecuador 'approached'. The timing shifted from January 2018 to September 2017.
I got the impression that there is a link with the world situation. But what link I do not know.
What will we be doing there? I have no clarity about that yet. What resonates most is a vision that I had in 2009 when I did a Vipassana (the heaviest, hardest thing I've ever done in my life by the way: you go crazy -being stuck with yourself with no distractions- after one day already). In this vision I saw a piece of land where we lived with several people, on a mountain, in the middle a huge garden, animals, a large hall. Kind of community space. A kind of community that functions well (there are a lot of communities that do not function so well I'm afraid).
I walked across the land and saw my daughter, who was about 16 years and she was dancing in the open hall. (She was 7 years old in 2009, so I got a good idea of what she would be like at 16.)
In another blog I will go more into this vision and what I experienced in it.
The place where we are going, according to the meditations, is oddly enough a gathering place of hippies and expatriates. It's called Vilcabamba, located on the Andes, so the climate is nice (all year round 20-25 degrees).
In the fifty's this place was mentioned in the Reader's Digest as "the valley of longevity", because many people lived far longer than usual over there.
Whether it was a coincidence, water quality, air quality, energy in the ground, no idea. But this is the place. The land is -of course- more expensive because of wealthy retired Americans who live there, which is really a pity. But apparently it is simply the right place.
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